The part I've been ignoring.

If you are a reader of this blog who knows me pretty well, you may be aware of the fact that I have a slight issue with denial. If I don’t like something I tend not to acknowledge it’s existence; and even the fact that I used the adjective “slight” to describe my issue with denial is telling of my syndrome. And I know it, but I deny that further still….and thus the cycle continues.

So I’m facing the part of the trip I have so far been denying…it’s conclusion.

First of all, I feel the need to point out the fact that this trip didn’t start on April 16 for me, it started way back in January when I committed to going. From that point on, a new part of my life began that included some fundraising, packing, lots and lots of counting, and a fellowship of eleven people joined together for a unique and meaningful purpose. A purpose that we were able to accomplish with an overwhelming margin of success, and joy. All in all this trip has been more than a simple experience; it has been a chapter in my life.

But this too must end. And on the eve of my departure from South Africa, I am all packed and ready for our long trek back home… and kind of left wondering, what’s next?

I’ve spent so much time loving it here, and all the phases I went through to get here. I loved it too much, and therefore I have been having a very hard day getting ready to leave it all behind. Yes I know all the practical reasons I need to go home: job, continuing education…blah blah blah. When you’ve spent two weeks without those things, you are given the time and grace to figure out there is more to life. And that a different way of living life really does exist. Something maybe I could really fit into, and find happiness within.

But I’ve given it some thought and found some strength in my struggle. First of all in knowing that all of my “blah blah blahs” really are important. I may find them daunting at times but my life at home is what allows me to come here and be part of a solution. Going back to my place in the world will allow me to replenish and build upon the tools God has given me to make a difference, “here and there.”

More importantly, it’s time for a new chapter. For the last few months I have clung to this trip as my one true North. (even though I went way South.) The thing I was working toward, even when I wasn’t directly working on it. And I did it. And it was amazing, in so many ways. But God has made me ready to bring on something new. And I have no idea what that may be.

If you also know me well, you may know that I have a little trouble coming to grips with the unknown, but I consider a bible passage that I have really come to really appreciate from Job 42:1-3.

“ I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”

And so officially ending this chapter means starting a new one- that I know will be filled with things too wonderful for me to know. And for that… I’m excited!